Is Healthy Conflict Possible?

Should we totally avoid disagreement and conflict? Of course not! But we need to distinguish between conflict that is necessary and constructive as opposed to conflict that is unhealthy and destructive. In healthy conflict, we value others and believe they are worthy despite differences of opinion on politics or other issues. 

The problem comes when we cross a line to engage in unhealthy conflict, also called high conflict. Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, describes intolerance of difference that cultivates “us versus them” thinking. The conflict itself takes charge, and people are dehumanized. 

When there is unhealthy conflict, issues become less important, as do relationships. We can even forget how the conflict started. Recall the infamous family feud between the Hatfields and McCoys. At some point, the initial disagreement was largely forgotten as hatred and violence took on a life of their own.  

According to Ripley, you can recognize high conflict when you hear “sweeping, grandiose, or violent language to describe the conflict” with “rumors, myths, or conspiracy theories present.” Reaching a point where it is difficult to create a consensus about facts, we become suspicious of others with low trust.  

Enter conflict entrepreneurs, a term coined by Ripley, which describes those who exploit conflict for profit, attention, or power. A crocodile getting ready to chomp on the American flag is the image we use for a conflict entrepreneur in our book Beyond the Politics of Contempt: Practical Steps to Build Positive Relationships in Divided Times. 

We each can do better, starting with applying our personal values in how we see others. Healthy conflict is not always easy, but if managed in a spirit of treating others with dignity and respect can be so much better than the alternative.  

We each have an extraordinary opportunity to make a difference in people’s lives, including our own. Don’t underestimate your impact!